Posted in Surrogacy

Crazy train?!

So the other day A, (fertility clinic coordinator), called me.  She said “ya know…since you’ve never had a baby before, I don’t want to move forward until you have your psych eval.”  I was expecting to have a psych eval, but I wasn’t expecting A to make it seem like that big of a deal!  This scared the living shit out of me.  All I could think was, “why?!  Do you think I’m crazy?!”  “Am I crazy?!”  Instant worry that the psychologist was going to think I’m a nut job and not let me move forward.  Of course I told A that I was completely fine with this and that it seemed like an appropriate next step.  So I scheduled the appointment with Dr. L for today, 5-11-2016.

Thankfully yesterday and today at work have been terribly busy and I’ve been going non-stop so I didn’t have much time to dwell on the appointment.

I arrive at Dr. L’s office.  It was an older home remodeled into a counseling office.  Very homey.  As I sit in the waiting room I just keep telling myself, “don’t say anything stupid!”  I have the tendency to make jokes that others often don’t find funny.  Either I am clearly jaded or other’s have NO sense of humor 😉

Dr. L comes out and greets me.  Very nice lady.  She walked me back to her office which had a couch and 2 comfy chairs in it.  I sat on the couch.  She starts by saying, “well I’m here to ask lots of nosey questions.”  Perfect.  I can deal with this.  I’m an open book.  She asked me questions about family, friends, relationships, work, etc.  She asked how I deal with stress (I did not say by drinking; I was proud of myself).  She asked if I knew what the physical risks of this journey were.  Yes.  I am aware that I could lose my own fertility.  I am aware that something obscure could happen and I could need an emergency hysterectomy.  Yes I’m aware that I could be placed on bedrest (I need to catch up on DVR anyways).  She asked how I felt about this.  I’ve thought about it.  I honestly feel that the risk of losing my fertility isn’t an issue for me.  I don’t think it would be detrimental to my emotional wellbeing.  I really think I would be ok with it.  I don’t want children anyways.  Take the whole damn uterus.  I guess she was ok with this answer.  I could see her trying to determine whether I was full of shit or if I was being genuine.  I do the SAME thing in my line of work.  I sit there and judge people and try to determine whether they are being honest.  Clearly she thought I was being genuine enough to move onto the next topic.

So…ya…the next topic.  “Have you and your sister determined whether you are going to transfer 1 or 2 embryos?”  GULP.  The dreaded topic.  Yes.  Yes we have.  My sister wants to transfer 2 embryos.  I mean, I don’t disagree but it makes me nervous.  The middle child in me just wants to say “whatever you want to do, I’ll do.”  Everyone thinks “awww twins!  How cute!”  When I tell close friends that my sister wants to transfer two, they giggle.  They think it’s funny that I could potentially be walking around looking like I swallowed a house at 25 weeks.  While the idea of my sister having cute little twins to raise seems geat, I am scared to death to be pregnant with twins.  There are serious risks.  Increased chance of bedrest, increased weight gain (obviously), increased liklihood that they would be born premature, NICU time, C-section, and the list goes on.  I came across this graphic:

This graphic shows that transferring two embryos does not increase your chance of pregnancy by a lot (by 4%) but increases your chance for twins by 42%!  Holy shit!  Now, who knows if this graphic is correct as I’ve read conflicting articles stating that transferring 2 embryos gives you a better chance of pregnancy.  Needless to say,  think this discussion is ongoing.  How many embryos is yet to be determined.

I told A that I was scared.  Scared of being denied the ability to continue this journey (by either her or A).  Scared that they’ll find something when they do the saline ultrasound.  Scared that my body won’t react properly to the medication.  Scared that I will have horrific side effects from all the hormones (ps…watch out world..I am going to BIIIIITCHY!).  Scared that a transfer won’t take.  Scared that a transfer WILL take.  Scared to be pregnant.  Scared to give birth.  Scared to move on with life after.  I really think these are natural fears.  I can only imagine that anyone in this situation would be having the same fears and emotions.  Dr. L encouraged me that I will be ok and that this will be a great journey.  I agree.  She stated that she really thinks that I am emotionally capable of continuing on this journeyand that I understand all the risks involved.  She reminded me not to be afraid to ask for help if I need it, both physically and emotionally.  She gave me the final OK.  HOLY SHIT….I’m NOT crazy.

On 6-2-2-2016, my sister and her husband have their appointment with Dr. L.  I am to join in at the end for about 30 minutes for a group discussion.  This will be interesting.

After leaving Dr. L’s office I called A.  I told her I just finished meeting with Dr. L and that she didn’t have any concerns moving forward.  A was relieved.  She stated that she was going to send over the prescriptions for my meds for my mock cycle…hormones, hormones, and more hormones.

My next appointment is with A and it is on 5-25-2016.  This is the date that I start my hormones for the mock cycle….things are really moving quickly.

I will update when I know more about my mock cycle….so STAY TUNED!!!!

 

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